厭惡的自己英語日記

時常覺得自己的思緒混亂，想要理卻怎麼也理不清。感覺整個人都快要崩潰了，只能是走一步算一步，沒有規劃沒有設想。

I often feel that my mind is confused, but I can't get it right. I feel that the whole person is about to collapse. I can only go one step at a time. There is no plan and no idea.

即使感覺現在的自己已經比過去的那個我好很多，可是在有些事上還是心有餘而力不足。比如說總是愛胡思亂想平白無故的給自己增添壓力。想要告訴自己不能這樣，卻又不知如何安慰自己。

Even though I feel that I am much better than the one I used to be, I still have more heart and less strength in some things. For example, I always like to think nonsense and add pressure to myself without any reason. I want to tell myself that I can't do this, but I don't know how to comfort myself.

還是那樣，每次只要一上講臺就會腿發抖。我自以為只是因為害怕老師，可現在看來已經不是單單害怕老師這麼簡單。連同學也怕，害怕也討厭別人注視的眼光，那樣會有一種讓我手足無措的尷尬。

Still, every time I go to the podium, my legs shake. I think it's just because I'm afraid of teachers, but now it seems that it's not so simple to be afraid of teachers. Even the students are afraid, afraid and hate the eyes of others, which will make me feel at a loss.

我不知道自己到底是怎麼了，明明都已經好很多了，為什麼還會如此。不停的暗示自己沒什麼可怕的，可是卻越想越緊張。想要從腦子裡慢慢分析，卻是越來越亂。

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's much better. Why is it still like this. Constantly suggesting that there is nothing terrible about him, but the more I think about it, the more nervous I am. Want to analyze slowly from the brain, but more and more chaotic.

心裡總覺得慌，終歸還是我太缺乏安全感了嗎？可是我真的找不到安全感，總感覺自己就和“差”字掛上勾了。總感覺自己就是個傻瓜，一個笨蛋，一個懦夫。遇事總想著逃避，想要改變卻又懶惰。

Always feel flustered in my heart, is it still my lack of security? But I really can't find a sense of security. I always feel that I'm hooked with the word "bad". Always feel like a fool, a fool, a coward. I always want to escape when I am in trouble, but I am lazy when I want to change.

我厭惡這樣的自己，卻又靠著這樣的自己獲得那一絲自欺欺人的安全感！

I hate this kind of self, but rely on this kind of self to get a sense of self deception security!